Trust.

Life really does throw some unexpected curve balls at you doesn't it? There comes a point in life when you realize that all of your neatly organized plans are going to be messed up. Somehow something or someone is going to come along and knock everything in your life completely out of order. Your line of ducks are going to learn to swim, and it won't all be in order. It will in be in completely opposite directions.
Do you know what the key to mental sanity in these situations is? Its trusting. Trusting that even though the control freak in you wants complete control you really need to hand it all over to God. He has known the blueprint for your life from before the day you were born. If we were going to look at this situation logically, wouldn't it make the most sense to let God take over then?

SAU-Day 1

       So I'm settled and ready to start my first day here. I'm actually really nervous, but nobody will ever hear that from my lips. I really wish Heidi and Cassie were here. I miss Heidi a lot. I keep wishing she was pulling a joke on me for ditching her last semester and show up at the last minute.
      Today I have to go get my ID card, buy my books and then go to orientation tonight at 5 PM. For now I'm off to see what today brings. Wish me luck!

Choices

Today I realized that for the first time I believe something with everything in me. It's not something I learned from my parents, it's not an idea I read a book about, I have come to believe it all on my own.I believe that you do not meet someone,fall in love and then proceed to live happily ever after. I believe that love is a choice, something we decide to give and receive. It's something a person has to work at. You have to choose to keep loving a person because eventually there will come a time when you don't feel like loving a person anymore, but you have to choose to.  Life is full of choices. Things don't just happen based on fate, they happen because of your choices. People think they can go through life and enjoy the happiness and ditch when the going gets rough. The can't. In order to have a rich, fulfilled life I believe you have to face the pain and problems and choose to make things in your life work out. Love and happiness is not going to come with no work. We must commit ourselves to making good choices.

One of those summer nights..

It's one of those summer nights where the stars are out, the crickets are chirping and you can hear the bull frogs from the neighbors pond. It's warm, but theres a light breeze so it feels perfect outside. Someone just cut grass and its fresh scent is still lingering on the wind and there are bales of hay in the field outside my window. It would be the perfect night to lay outside under the stars whispering about whats coming next in life, but its hard to do with hundreds of miles between people.

     I'm not even sure I would want to whisper about whats next. What if I've made the wrong choice? What if I regret it with everything in me? Someone told me they wished we still had those breast plates from the bible with multi colored stones that lit up, you know, gave you the answer straight from God. I sure wouldn't mind having that right about now. But then again, all of these doubts are probably because I have way too much time on my hands to think. 

   To make extra money I put in some hours at another local farm and she usually has me weed so I spend a lot of time in silence. Well you know when theres that one song that you can't get out of your head, but you can only remember a line or two? Doesn't it drive you crazy when it repeats itself over and over and over again in your mind? That happens to me every time I work for them. Sometimes Its not even songs I really like, just the last song I heard on the radio driving over. Your probably wondering why I'm rambling on about this, but I promise I do have a point that i'm trying to make with it. You see the way a song gets stuck in your head, thats exactly how it is with college for me. I know 95% of 2012 high school graduates are burning their brains out this summer doing the same, but strangely I feel all alone, like it's me against the world and that I have to have it all planned out. Now.

I know, insane. I mean I don't need to have my entire life planned out now right? I just wish I could plan it and know for sure it's whats best for me, that i'm not making a stupid decision. Life is full of those though isn't it, stupid decisions? I wish I could just avoid them, but of course everyone must wish that. When I was little I admired all the "grown ups" and tried so hard to rush growing up, now that i'm on the brink of it, its far more daunting then it ever seemed. There are so many opportunities to mess up! Life is full of choices though. Good choices which enable you to go farther in life, and bad choices that you learn and grow from if you so choose. It's all up to us I guess, how our lives play out. We all have to learn to put our lives in Gods hands though, If we expected to make all the right choices on our own we would be wondering what went wrong all of our lives. 

  

Decisions, Decisions.

   You know those situations where you've had a certain plan so long that you wouldn't dream of changing it, even though deep down you know it's not the wisest, most sensible plan you've ever conjured up? Thats me. For the last two years I've known I was going to Southern. Suddenly the closer it got the more I began to panic about going into debt at seventeen!! Now don't get me wrong, Southern sounds absolutely amazing and I would honestly love to go there, but i'm the kind of person that wouldn't be able to function with the pressure of debt hanging over me. It would be my ever present companion to drag me down into the depths of despair. :P So here I am, two months before college and i've changed colleges. I'm going to Tennessee tech, with a free ride this year, and a car in the near future! I'm excited and of course nervous to some extent.
   I feel somewhat sorry for any poor soul that stumbles upon these sometimes completely scatter brained posts. I highly doubt that anyone takes the time to read these, so when I get the random urge to write other then in my journal I ramble here. :)

Day 20.

I've been home for 20 days. It feels good to be out of school, but I miss my friends so much! In some ways I feel cut off from the world. I am living on a wheel that rotates from sleep to eating to working, and then starts the process all over again. Sabbath is the one difference in the week.
     There for a while I was overcome with a feeling of panic because I really had no idea what I was going to be doing when college started, but now i've settled on the plan I've had for the last year and a half, Southern. Except now I've changed my major, instead of cleaning peoples teeth, i'm going to be nursing them back to health, or at least try to that is. We'll see how good I am at that.
    Since no one really reads the stuff I post on here I can be sappy and mushy and not feel ridiculous. I miss my boyfriend so much! As much as I love summer I want it to be over with so I can be with him. Even then though we're going to be separated. We'll be living in the same state, but going to different colleges. Taking the same classes, aiming for the same major, but not together. But hey, at least he'll only be a couple of hours away then. Now for the next seven weeks to hurry up and pass so Smartstart starts and I'm with Heidi. Sometimes I don't know what to do without Heidi and Trey, and of course the rest of the motley gang( you know who you are if you ever read this).
  

A better plan.

Well here I am, a high school graduate. When people hear that they immediately begin peppering you with "what are you going to do?","Have you decided what your doing for college?". As these types of questions continue to pour in I can almost feel the dark cloud of indecision settling over my head, hanging there ominously reminding me that in a few months I must of made decisions that will very likely decide the course of my life. 

       I am very much that person who always has a plan. It may not be the most thought out or perfect plan, but never the less I cling to the fact that if I mess up I have that backup. I hate huge decisions and I also hate unchangeable things. Things that once done or chosen can never be taken back. As I stand on the brink of this entirely new chapter of my life I feel fear building up inside of me. Fear for what I cannot predict and that I will come to hate the choices I am now making. 

      And what about my ever ready plan, my decisions? I thought I had everything so carefully planned out only to have them all come tumbling down around my ears. My inability to predict what will happen next fills me with fear for my future. How am I to know how to choose my career? Where to go to college? Yes it is a decision that every high school graduate must make. Where to go to college, Whether to go to college, What to major in, whether to add the complications of another's heart to the mix. All of the choices go on. So where am I in all of this? I have no plan, no set out idea of what I'm doing. At this very moment I couldn't tell you what exactly I will be doing in two short months. I am without a plan. I could tell you that I might be here, and I might be doing that, but that could very well change the next day. Does it scare me? Of course it does! 

     You see I' m the kind of person that tortures themselves with all of the negative and frightening "what ifs" of tomorrow if I do not have a plan to follow, an idea of what tomorrow holds. I worry myself until the cloud of depression and doubt hanging over my head has grown into something large enough to generate a small hurricane. If you ask my friends whether I worry about everything they will tell you "yes" with an emphatic nod of their heads. Yes I do worry, every single day, but I have to remember Philipians 4:6-7 which reads " Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known until God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ" He always has a better plan then any one of us could dream of.  I have to remember that when all of mine are crashing down there is another made for me, I just have to listen for it.